apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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