You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
