He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
