Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
