Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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