His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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