i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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