he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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