Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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