I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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