I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
