Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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