Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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