I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
