she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
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There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.