Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
