If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
