Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
