just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
