Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
