I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
