she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
