Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.