Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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