you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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