Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
