Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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