I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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