I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
