I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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