If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
