So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
