Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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