??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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