I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
