I wannas sexs uuuuu
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
