we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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