I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
