We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
