I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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