dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
