Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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