His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
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If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
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I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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