she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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