ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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