Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
