More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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