I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
