I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
