I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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