went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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