her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
