he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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