textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
