I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
