oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
