Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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